Monthly Archives: February 2009

February 28, 2009

How a child can change anything

Today kinda sucked for me.

I had to make a really brutal decision yesterday about my relationship with K and that’s been kickin’ my ass ever since. I think we both realize it was the right decision to make for any number of reasons, but it doesn’t make things any easier…especially knowing that we both really still care deeply for the other.

And then I spoke with my daughter’s mom last night. We talked about M’s impending 2-week visit (starting next Friday!!) and then the conversation moved to other things. Those other things will be blogged about tomorrow…but they’ve been weighing on my mind all day, too. Big time.

So I was relying on B to help me deal with my funk. I had relied on Wendy’s & Oreo’s…so now I had to shake that off and simply BE with my son.

It was cold and raining and crappy outside…so I spent the day inside (except for a 20 minute drive) and did my best to entertain my 2-year-old. Fortunately, he also seemed to do his best to entertain me…

Who is on the phone, daddy??

Of course I can read. What do you mean it's upside down?

HECK YEAH!!!!

Oh...did YOU want the comfy chair? Hmmmm????

Just lookin' cute, daddy. Just. Lookin'. Cute.

Watching a bit of television before bedtime.

Funniest. Thing. Ever. (and the laugh looks a little creepy, to be honest)

Ahh. I can let out a sigh of relief. The day is over and I’ve gotten by pretty well. B’s pretty darn awesome and I’m very thankful that it was my weekend with him…I certainly needed this.

And if anybody knows this about me (and K knew this), it’s that I absolutely LOVE live music when it’s done well. I’m a big-time live music fan, although I don’t get a chance to see enough of it in person as I’d like.

But this is why I love YouTube so much. Much like the live Styx cover of a Gowan song that I posted yesterday, I went there today to see if anything would “tickle my fancy”. Luckily I did.

This is a tremendous live performance by an unknown artist. Much like KT Tunstall, this guy uses recording devices to capture segments of his performance so he can do “other parts” and it sounds like more than one person actually performing.

The artist’s name is Jacob Moon and he’s doing a cover of “Subdivisions” by Rush…a song I never really cared for too much. This video absolutely brought a smile to my face…

So all in all, I can’t really complain about my day. I’m going to try and continue my Six Feet Under viewings…something that K got me hooked on…and then catch a few Z’s and work on a whole new day tomorrow.

New beginnings…better memories. :-)

4 comments | posted in Uncategorized

February 28, 2009

I will not revert…

By Canadian Bald Guy

…I can’t. I just can’t do it.

Two years ago I was 235 lbs. I’m 5’7″. NOT a good combination.

2006 -- B at 3 months old. Me at over 230 lbs. The ex "edited out"...poorly.

December 2006 -- B at 3 months old. Me at over 230 lbs. The ex "edited"...poorly.

Of course, two years ago I was in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job with a colicky baby and panic attacks hitting me once or twice a day. I had quit smoking a couple of years prior so I did the only thing I could do and turned to food as a substitute to help me deal with my depression.

That’s how I went from 185 lbs to 235 lbs in two years. I’d eat because I was depressed and then I’d be depressed at knowing just how big I was…so for whatever reason I’d eat more so I’d feel comforted. Then I’d be depressed at how big I was and then I’d eat more because I was depressed. Wash…rinse…repeat. It was a vicious cycle.

November 2006. B at 2 months old. Me at over 230 lbs.

As the marriage crumbled, I ate even more. It was even more depressing because I ran my tail off at work…and I just knew that if I had been at a desk job (as I am now) I would have ballooned up even bigger.

I had tried a few times after the marriage ended to lose weight. I did a couple of “Biggest Loser” contests at work where I would eat nothing but salads and chicken breast all week long. That totally sucked, but it did work a bit to help the weight come off a bit. I even tried a ridiculous lemon juice detox thing…where I ended up going four days living off of just lemon juice & maple syrup.

Today? Today I’m down to 205 lbs…which is the lowest I’ve been in years. And at this point, I’m not even trying one way or the other…I’m just eating as normally as I can without pigging out.

But now comes the depression. It’s not a huge funk…it’s just me being depressed because the relationship with K didn’t work out and I ended up hurting her. And I realized today that I need to blog or find another way to deal with this depression because already today I had a Baconator combo from Wendy’s and then 2/3 of a box of Oreo Double Stuff. It’s not even 4pm yet.

So yeah…you might see a few more blog posts than normal over the next few days. Some may be about something, others may be about nothing. Either way, it’s going to be my outlet.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wake up B from his afternoon nap before looking for a non-existent bag of chips to inhale for supper.

Mmmmmmmm…………………chips.

6 comments | tags: me, single father | posted in B, K, M, relationships

February 28, 2009

I am…

By Canadian Bald Guy

A song popped up on my iPod this morning and it did two things:

It took me waaaay back to the mid-1980′s (y’know…’cause I’m old).
It made me feel even more guilty about yesterday’s tough relationship decision.

The song is A Criminal Mind by Gowan…aka Lawrence Gowan, the current lead singer for Styx. I remember LOVING this guy “back in the day” and even got to see him at the Moncton Coliseum during the Great Dirty World tour.

So I always thought the song was a literal translation of what a criminal was thinking…the lack of compassion, the lack of guilt, the rationale for making poor decisions.

But now I can also see it from a slightly different perspective; from somebody who is continually failing at relationships.

Am I the criminal here?
Am I the one that is numb to pain?
Do I consider a permanent relationship to be my own prison?

I wish I had the answers to those questions. I’d like to think I’m not so bad…but maybe I am.

Anyway, in searching YouTube for the video, I instead found an amazing live version that he performs with Styx:

A CRIMINAL MIND

You see my hands are steady
You’ve seen my face before
Soon you can take your last look
And they’ll close the door
I stand accused before you
I have no tears to cry
And you will never break me
Till the day I die

(chorus)
A criminal mind
Is all I’ve ever known
They tried to reform me
But I’m made of cold stone
A criminal mind
Is all I’ve ever had
Ask one who’s known me
If I’m really so bad…
I AM

I’ve spent my life behind these steel bars
I’ve paid my debt in time
But being brought to justice
That was my only crime
I don’t regret a single action
I’d do the same again
These prison walls secure me
And I’m numb to pain

(repeat chorus)

Before you hand me over
Before you read my sentence
I’d like to say a few words
Here in my own defense…
Some people struggle daily
They struggle with their conscience
Till the end
I have no guilt to haunt me
I feel no wrong intent

(repeat chorus)

I’m made of cold stone
Just like your prison walls
A criminal mind
I AM

5 comments | tags: dating, me, thoughts on stuff | posted in inspiration, K, love, me, relationships, sadness

February 27, 2009

To break a heart…

By Canadian Bald Guy

May 2009 update:

Since this is becoming a top retro-post to view, I thought I needed to give everybody an update and let you know that after a 2-month “hiatus”, Sunshine and I are back together and stronger than ever before.

You can check out all of the details here:

Best Weekend Ever: Part One

Best Weekend Ever: Part Two

Best Weekend Ever: Part Three

Best Weekend Ever: The Conclusion

~~~~~~~~~~

I thought everything was great. Sunshine and I were so psyched going into our week-long adventure as a “real” couple…it seemed like there was so much to do and so little time to do it all.

We are considered an LDR…long-distance relationship. It’s only a 3-hour trip, but it’s significant enough because I’ve got a 2-year-old son who lives in my city with his mom and she’s got two girls who split time between her and their father in her city.

This time together was supposed to not be a “honeymoon phase”, but rather be a test…a way for us to find out what it was like to actually be a “normal couple” for a change, and we were excited about it.

Needless to say, things haven’t turned out as we had expected.

In the interest of privacy, I’m certainly not going to go into details. But I made the decision today to end the relationship and not only was it not an easy decision to make, it was even more difficult to explain the reasons behind it.

I think the bottom line is that I’m not ready. The end.

Okay…not quite “the end”, but that pretty much sums it up. There is an emotional and mental commitment required in a serious relationship…it’s required more in some cases than it is in others. In this case, I’m simply unable to provide the emotional and mental dedication that this amazing woman needs from me.

I feel horrible about it. I mean, I love the woman. She’s awesome in every way. But there were a couple of days over this past week that really shed light on where I am emotionally and where I need to be in order for any relationship to truly work.

Enough time had passed since my marriage ended for me to give love a shot. It had almost been two years. I was ready, willing, and able to try. And once I stood back and looked at things, the end result was me just not being ready after all.

I wish I could explain it better…I wish I didn’t have to sound so selfish…but it is what it is. I broke her heart today, and I feel terrible about it.

But I’ve got my son with me this weekend and my daughter flies in for two weeks next Friday…and they need my love and attention and my 100% emotional investment.

So I’m going to do my best to wipe the tears from my eyes and be strong for my kids, because they need their father more than he needs to mourn a lost relationship.

18 comments | tags: dating, long-distance relationship, love, me, Momma_Sunshine, relationships, single father | posted in love, relationships, sadness, Sunshine

February 25, 2009

No seempathay!!!

By Canadian Bald Guy

I’ve been reading up on that octuplet mom. It’s like an addiction to me at this point. It’s crazy. I mean my god…what an insane story. It was revealed today that Dr. Phil interviewed this psycho and that she told him that she may not get her octuplets from the hospital. Not only that, but apparently Vivid Entertainment has offered to take care of all of her financial worries (and even her medical ones) if she agrees to become a “Vivid Contract Girl”. Wow. And on top of all that, there was the big story that the grandmother of the eight children…the one who has been taking care of the other SIX children this crack-pot woman already has…may end up losing her home. She is apparently $23,225 behind in her mortgage payments and that the house could be sold at auction beginning May 5th.

At first, I was wondering if I should feel sorry for the woman. But then I began to think about it. Has she brought this on herself? Has she not enabled her daughter by putting up with all of this craziness? It was then that I decided to create a one-time QUOTE OF THE DAY.

The what of the day??

Well…the quote. Y’know…of the day.

Okay, here’s the back story. When I was going to college (in between my university stints), I had a Welsh facilitator. He wasn’t a professor…he didn’t have a teaching degree…he was a businessman who decided to teach this course at the community college. He was always good for a quote or two. And there was one in particular that has stuck with me over the past 10+ years that still brings a smile to my face and that I’ve repeated on numerous occassions.

(More back story) Y’see, everybody in the class was fairly young (early/mid 20′s). At that time, it was the “in thing” to head down to Teaser’s Pub on a Thursday night (it was WING NIGHT!!), drink until the DJ started, and then party into the wee hours of the morning.

But what that ended up meaning was that Friday mornings were brutal. To say that they “dragged” wouldn’t do “dragging” justice.

One Friday morning, our facilitator looked around the room and asked us just what in the heck was wrong. We all sheepishly explained that we had been out the night before and weren’t feeling too good. His response, in this really thick accent, was pure gold:

“Ieeve goat no seempathay foor self-infleected wooounds!”

Ummm…or in plain English:

“I’ve got no sympathy for self-inflicted wounds.”

I think this sums up my opinion on this particular situation. Things out of your control, I can have sympathy and/or empathy for. If you put yourself into a situation and had the opportunity to NOT do it, then you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself.

2 comments | tags: me, thoughts on stuff | posted in entertainment, inspiration, me