Monthly Archives: January 2009

I love Dilbert

Just to get my gross tale of last night’s “festivities” off of the top of the page, I’ve decided to post two of the latest great cartoons from Dilbert.

If you’ve never worked in an office environment, then sometimes it’s difficult to truly understand just how close-to-home it can be.  

I used to work in a call centre (a couple of them, actually), and when I saw these pop up last week on the desktop calendar that K gave to me for Christmas, I actually laughed out loud…to the point where other’s were wondering what in the heck was wrong with me.

Trust me…these aren’t too far off from the reality of the situation:

It's funny 'cause it's true. NOBODY keeps those things.

It's funny 'cause it's true. NOBODY keeps those things.

While maybe not a 4-mile walk, but I've seen people go to the restroom with somebody on hold...only to come back and tell them that they couldn't help them.  Seriously.

While maybe not a 4-mile walk, but I've seen people go to the restroom with somebody on hold...only to come back and tell them that they couldn't help them. Seriously.

I don’t know if I’ve properly thanked K for this gift…but I’m certainly very appreciative.  I get a daily chuckle and always think of here when I see it.

So thanks, K.  Love you.


I hate getting sick

I’m 36 years old.  I grew up working for my father, and he always drilled into my head that you just DON’T call in to work sick.  Because of never wanted to let him down (yes…more Daddy Issues), I never called in sick to work.  Ever.

As I’ve gotten older and have moved into a position at a job where they don’t want you to be there if you’re sick, I’ve realized that there’s no need to kill yourself just to make an extra dollar.  In fact, if I call in sick I can use an extra vacation day or a “floater day” and still get paid and not lose out on anything.

I still feel guilty, though.  Even though a little bit of a cold won’t prevent me from going in to work, if I am dizzy or have the sweats or become really REALLY sick then I don’t think twice about calling in sick.  But for the record, I absolutely HATE getting that sick.

So last night was horrific for me (Warning: potential grossness coming up).  I got home from work and had supper with B…playing and watching the new Madagascar movie (he wasn’t thrilled with it).  When I took him to The Ex’s place for the night, I immediately felt that things weren’t going to be pleasant for me as the night continued on.  So I pretty much dumped him off, apologized for the quick exit, and took off back home.

I ended up running to the bathroom all night long, not being able to last longer than 10 minutes at a time.  Then, around 8:30pm or so, the unthinkable happened:  I threw up so hard I ended up passing out.  That hadn’t happened to me since I was in my early 20′s.  WTF??  So I opened my eyes and didn’t know where I was but quickly realized I was face-down on the bathroom floor.  

Yikes.

I had bent my eyeglass-frames and bumped my head (causing immediate headache), and then cleaned up the mess around me and immediately went to the computer.  I quickly realized that I wouldn’t be feeling good enough to chat with my LDR, K.  So at 9:13pm I messaged K and told her what had happened and to not worry because I was feeling a bit better.  She immediately suggested that it sounded like food poisoning, which puzzled me because all I had for lunch was a frozen dinner, a bag of plain chips, and a chocolate bar (I know…pretty much the most unhealthy meal I could possibly have).  I told her that I’d email her first thing in the morning to tell her how I was feeling.

If I only knew just how bad the rest of the night would be.  Wow.

After I said goodnight to K, I lay down and tried to fall asleep.  I had just thrown a couple of items into washer that had been “messed up” and just as I was about to fall asleep, heard this horrible noise in the hallway.

Turns out that there was some type of clog in the drain (or the pipes were frozen…one or the other) and there was water pouring out onto the floor.

Ugh.

So I immediately turned off the washer and threw a ton of towels down on the floor to soak it all up.  I was still felling pretty dizzy so I didn’t know if I got all of it or not, but I really didn’t care at the time.  I wanted to pick up the washer and throw towels underneath, but I was too weak to do even that.  Then I started to once more feel the insides gurgle. So off to the washroom I went. Again. And again. And again.

Ugh.

I then lay on the bed once more.  I probably got an hour or so of sleep in before I dashed off to the washroom one more time.  Only this time, I felt myself getting noxious once again. So I kneeled in front of the “porcelain alter” and went to town.

The next thing I know I was freaking out because I didn’t know where I was.   Again.  Turns out I had passed out AGAIN and was on the floor…AGAIN (can you sense my frustration?).  This time I had bitten the crap out of my tongue (I had left my twisted glasses off, thankfully) and, once AGAIN, proceeded to clean up the mess that was all over the place.

Ugh.

I finally fell asleep around 12:30am and woke up at 6am.  It’s 7:46am right now and so far, so good…no trips anywhere and I’m just trying to replenish my fluids. I still feel very weak so I decided that I’m not going to go in to work this morning.  I told myself that I’ll just take off the morning and see what the afternoon brings me.

Ugh.

Does that all sound like food poisoning?  I don’t feel sick at all this morning, just REALLY weak and I’ve got a headache from where my head hit the floor.  I’m thinking that as the morning progresses I’ll feel good enough to go outside and shovel and then make it in to work during the afternoon.

Wow…I hate getting sick.


Basketball brings inspiration…

…in the strangest of places.  If this story about Jason McElwain doesn’t bring a lump to your throat, then I don’t know what can.


Confessions from a cubicle…

Every once in awhile, whether I’m bored in a meeting or just plain tired, I’ll just randomly blog about whatever pops into my head and then post it once I get home from work.  I’m working on only about 5 1/2 hours of sleep, so consider this the over-tired ramblings of a Canadian bald guy…

  •  I can’t stop yawning.  It’s brutal because I’m busy…I’ve been non-stop all day.  But there are pros and cons to working in front of a computer screen and staring at numbers all day, and one of the cons is that when you get tired it doesn’t matter how busy you are…you’ll ALWAYS continue to be tired when you’re sitting in a chair, staring at a computer screen, and working with numbers all day.  It’s one of the few times that I really wish I had more movement to my job.
  • I miss my camera.  The last one broke while on a business trip to Toronto (where I got to visit my daughter for an afternoon) and the new one I got for Christmas is absolutely brutal.  I don’t want to say anything too disparaging….but the word “cheap” comes to mind.  Repeatedly.
  • I think, at 36 years old, I might be lactose intolerant.  I need to look into that…
  • I had a really good conversation with a friend at work who got switched to another department last year.  We were joking back and forth about something and then she made a reference to my “normally complaining” nature.  I had to correct her and tell her that acting like that just wasn’t *me* anymore.  I told her about my near nervous breakdown last summer (another blog for another day) and how viewing the world in a more positive light and being able to look at myself objectively have turned my life around.  My “inner demons” are not only at bay, but have been defeated.  She seemed impressed…maybe not so much at the thought that I might actually be a different person, but at least from the sense that I appear to be a different person.  It’s all about baby steps, I think.
  • I’m a reality show junkie.  Last night I finished watching the second episode of Sober House, which was shocking.  If ever you wanted to find a reason to NOT become an addict, it’s a show like this one where former Guns’n’Roses drummer Steven Adler is just totally f*cked up on heroin.  Just wow.  When I think about my kids and what to do when they hit the age where drugs and alcohol will be a choice for them, I think watching a show like this does everything but glamorize just how insane addictions can be.  I would hope that a couple of episodes would be all that’s required in order to think “No” was the only option.  
  • And I’m looking forward to all-new seasons of Survivor and The Amazing Race (both starting in February).  I also have a guilty pleasure in Rock of Love 3 (a rock star’s excuse to get laid with as many hot and/or slutty women as possible…as if he even needed a reason).  I’m also waiting on Big Brother.  I cannot wait for that to start-up in the summer again.  But the big one?  The Deadliest Catch.  I’m counting down the days until that show is back on the air for another season (in April!!…ugh).
  • I wanted to really dislike the new Kelly Clarkson song, especially where the lyrics were just so cheesy (seriously…”my life would suck without you”???).  But I can’t…I catch myself humming it at the most inopportune times.  Heh.
  • The latest blog post by MattLogelin.com is pretty compelling.  Just to read his memories flood back as he visits Mexico with Madelin brings a lump to my throat.  That guy is an inspiration not only to single fathers everywhere, but to any single parent trying to make his way in the world.  I’m so glad MSM introduced me to him.
  • Overall, things are good right now.  Finances are tough, but they’re tough all over.  I’ve got a roof over my head…I’ve got some food on the table…work is good…my children are awesome…my love life not only exists but is flourishing…so with the exception of the impending snowstorm tomorrow night, things aren’t too bad at all.  I’m pleased to say I’m content with life.  Yeah…life is good.

Daddy issues

Wow…I really am going to go on a very long rant about the issues I’ve got with my father.

After years of being angry, I realized late last year the primary component of the anger that’s been plaguing me for so long. I finally understood the root of the evil feelings that have always jumped out at the most inopportune times throughout my life. I finally could admit to what I’ve really known all along is the reason why I’m constantly so unhappy with myself.

My father.

My insecurities…my self-doubt…my self-loathing…my self-contempt…my anger. 

Let me stress, however, that I love my father. I love my father dearly. The issue…still ongoing…is just how he makes ME feel, not the way he feels. And that’s the key, isn’t it? It’s all about the interpretation. 

I bring this up today because a phone conversation with him last night got me mad for the second time in eight months (the first time was last month with him, actually).  Other than those two times, I haven’t been really upset in eight months…which is a big deal because I had a “meltdown” of sorts (another blog for another day) and had to do a lot of soul searching and therapy in order to become the better person that I am today.  Since my “turn-around” (for lack of another term) I’ve dealt with grief and sadness and anger and happiness and have been living a life that’s been extremely mellow and content and fulfilling.  From this new-found self-examination has come enlightenment, and I’m really a happy person these days and have found reasons to like myself, really like myself, for the first time ever. 

I got into an argument with my dad last night and was made to feel like a total f*ck-up…yet again.  And I hate that.

For the record, I’ve made a lot of changes to my life over the past eight+ months to become a better person.  I don’t just blow up at the drop of a hat anymore.  I don’t get mad over the smallest thing and then five minutes later forget why I was mad to begin with anymore.   I don’t want to shun myself away from the world and refuse to open myself up to others anymore…

…until I talk to him.

Again, it’s the way I feel when he talks to me. The guilt trips…the constant lack of faith in myself…the wanting to not just be loved but be respected as an individual or even as a man. These are the feelings I get from him.

But I don’t hold it against him. In fact, I forgive him. He doesn’t do it on purpose. He doesn’t realize that’s how he makes me feel, nor does he really care. It’s my cross to bear. It’s my issue to deal with. And I am.

I’ve got a beautiful son that lights up the room every time I see him. I’ve got an amazing daughter that, while I don’t see enough and feel like I can’t spoil the way I want to, still loves me to death and would love to be with me all the time if given the opportunity. I’ve got an amazing girlfriend in my life that makes me feel like the world is at my doorstep and that anything is possible.  I’ve got a good job that I enjoy and I’m actually good at.  There are too many positives in my life right now…I simply refuse to revert back to the person I used to be. 

The problem, though, is money (isn’t that always the issue?).  He pulled my butt out of the fire after the separation from my wife.  Where she decided on joint-legal custody where I would have visitation pretty much any time I wanted (currently it’s 3 nights a week and every other weekend), I assumed the debt and kept the house and the car.  The problem, though, is that I very quickly realized just how difficult it was to go from two incomes to one…especially when the spouse was the one making all of the money.

I’ve got two children that I pay child support for.  I’ve got ZERO problems with that, just to be clear.  It’s not even a question about it being my “responsibilty”, rather it’s just something that needs to be done.  Why in the world would I not want to support my children’s upbringing??  So the majority of my paycheck goes to them, and I have no issue with that.  It doesn’t however, leave a lot leftover once bills are counted in.

So I sold my house to my dad over a year ago and rent from him.  I let my car lease run out and assumed the lease of my mother’s car (paying through my father, of course) once she was diagnosed with a brain tumor because she wouldn’t be able to drive it herself.  My father won’t let me forget either one of these things and uses them as ways to chastise or belittle.

The case last night?  I got a phone call telling me that I got a parking ticket when I visited K a few weeks ago.  I knew that and was planning on paying it.  Of course, because the car is in my mom’s name that means the ticket goes to their mailbox.  I told him that I was going to pay it and he told me that he already did.  

“Well…thanks but I was going to do it.”

“So now you owe me $25.  I don’t want any more parking tickets showing up.”

“Right.  I don’t think that’s going to be an issue going forward.”

“So you owe me $25.”

“Okay…I’ll get it to you when I visit this weekend.”

Then came the chastising over driving to see K twice a month.  Because the car is a lease and, as I’m constantly reminded, not mine he doesn’t want me “pouring on the miles”.  

Sigh…

So now I’m in a dilemma.  At 36 years old, I’m accepting help from my father in order to re-establish myself.  But at the same time, I feel like I’m 16 because I’m constantly reminded how nothing is mine anymore and is actually all his.  So do I continue along this path in my decent little house and my pretty reliable little car until I’m hopefully back on my feet in a decent time period, or do I venture out and rent a tiny little bachelor apartment and try to buy a little beater to drive around?

This is one reason why I don’t have hair anymore.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,874 other followers