As I’ve mentioned over the past few months, I’ve been going through a depression that’s been extremely difficult to kick. It’s really been a combination of a multitude of things over the past year, and everything seemed to culminate in late November/early December.
I feel like I’ve been happy lately, though…and I attribute that to a few different things.
The first is obviously my incredible relationship with Sunshine. At the risk of sounding lame (and I know that people are already rolling their eyes), it just seems that we end up getting closer and closer together every single time we’re together. I can’t imagine my life without her in it.
The second has been my Employee Assistance Program contact through work. “Tom” has been absolutely amazing…not only being able to recognize things through my multi-layered messages, but to also relate to a number of things in my life because of similarities in his own. Just to be able to dive into some things that I didn’t really care to dive into (like my feelings on my dad’s relationship with his new fiance) have helped me a lot.
The final road to being happy again has been to find the self-esteem that I’ve long been unable to find within myself. To say I’ve had self-esteem issues over the years would be a tremendous under-statement. But somehow that has been changing a bit over the last month or so. I don’t know if I’m quite ready to say that I love myself yet, but I feel like I’m finally going down a path that could very well lead me there…and that’s an exciting feeling to have.
One of the exercises I’ve been asked to perform is trying to visualize a great me. Not just picturing myself thin and on a beach somewhere counting my money, but to realistically sit with my eyes closed while trying to visualize what is great about me…and that’s something I’ve never really done before.
Imagine…
…being healthy. What does that mean to me? It means being able to watch my son grow up. It means being able to fully enjoy the second half of my life in a much better way than I did the first half. It means not always looking over my shoulder to see if a heart disease or clogged artery is coming after me. It’s really me living life to the fullest and being happy. So for the first time in my life, my health is a big priority for me.
…being positive about myself. What would it mean to NOT be so self-depreciating all the time? What would it feel like to not have doubts or negative feelings about every little aspect of myself? If I can look at myself in the mirror and smile knowing that there are a number of positive traits about myself that I’ve always refused to recognize, just imagine how good that feeling will be if I mean it.
…feeling energized. Life is entering a very scary yet exciting time for me. The health changes, the weight loss changes, moving on from mom’s death, knowing that the future is full of fun and possibilities as long as I continue to maintain a firm grasp on the present…visualizing being happy and excited for life on a daily basis will truly be an incredible feeling if I allow myself to feel it.
…being at a healthy weight. This all began because I spoke to a dietician back in early November and got scared about my weight. I hated the way I looked and it was not only affecting me mentally, but it was having physical effects, as well. I finally TRULY realize that losing weight in a healthy way is not a race but a marathon. My lifestyle changes are small and slow yet steady and ongoing…and eventually these changes are going to benefit me physically. I’m down almost eight pounds since January 1st, so my journey is taking me in the right direction. I’m seeing a dietician every week and am attending healthy eating classes every week. I’m making changes and sticking to them, even when I’m alone and the only person accountable for keeping me in line is myself.
It’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to happen overnight, but I’m more committed to making these changes than I ever have been before, and I gotta say…visualizing a great me isn’t too far of a stretch at the moment.
